When we didn’t get pregnant we thought it’s just stress and that we needed to chill. I of course wanted to go get checked out right away, but Fred and others kept telling me to stop worrying and to have faith in God, all the while, my girlfriends could just say the word “baby” and BOOM they were pregnant. Not one of my favorite times. Yes, there was a time when things got very dark, but as always God was there and so was my amazing husband.
There where times when a part of me would say, “I’m done”, “Just forget it; it’s just not worth it”. This is just way too painful, but then that fighter in me would kick in and say, “Really Amy, you know down in your bones that God wants you to be a mom, you just have to open up your heart and mind to what HE wants”. To this day, I remember telling my husband that I was just so beaten down that I was done, even though I still wanted a baby, desperately. So, unless God did something to change my mind was over, that was in 2007. My God truly is an amazing God, and He truly loves His children, because He very, very slowly started healing my heart.
I really do believe that one of the highlights of this whole journey for me is that I had to finally give Christ everything, and that included this dream I had since I was very young of knowing that I’d have a child. Unfortunately, it was a child I had dreamed up and not the child Christ wanted to give me.
Over the next year and half, I learned so much; I could survive if I never had a child and that I’d still have a very fulfilling life, it’s totally ok not to have your own biological baby (that got me thinking about adoption), my husband WOULD love me if we never had children, etc…. Just those slow realization where wonderful. It was great seeing God heal my heart. I’ll never forget the “next” friend that told me she was pregnant and I was truly happy, and walking with her through her pregnancy was actually fun! That’s when I knew I was ok.
So, in the Fall of 2009 and after a lot of prayers, Fred and I decided to go get tested to make sure everything really was ok, and not just to keep taking our doctor’s word. Well all the test came back fine, but they discovered a HUGH cyst on one of my ovaries while doing a routine sonogram (it was the size of a grapefruit, your ovaries should be the size of a walnut, thus I had surgery right away). This began our experience with infertility and my reoccurrences with ovarian cysts. My second surgery was a year later with still no pregnancy. Then exactly one month later the cyst was back and the same size. To say I had a meltdown in the office would be putting it mildly. After, all that God had brought me through I couldn’t believe this was happening. I told Fred and my brother that day that was the final straw, “I’m officially done”. I'm telling you, my husband should receive some kind of reward for standing beside me through all this, to say that I was emotional would be the understatement of the year!
Honestly, for the first time in my life I was upset with God. I just couldn’t understand why he kept slamming shut each door we kept trying to walk though. I was always taught that if God was closing the doors then that was His way of telling you either “no” or “to wait”. I kept praying, “Lord if you don’t want me to be a mom then I need you take this deep desire away and please stop letting kids be drawn to me”. “But if you want me to be a mom then keep those desires there.” So, for the next few months I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and began to accept this last blow and the reality of what I didn’t want to accept….that I really might not ever be a mom.
Then the weirdest things started happening….without telling my husband I started looking into domestic adoption (a number of years before we looked into international and found it wasn’t for us). At the same time TOTAL strangers and a few friends started telling us individually all these personal adoption stories, and/or that we should look into adoption, as well as extended family praying for us to have a baby; they didn't even know about the infertility. That’s when I thought that I should come clean about my researching. God works in very mysteries ways sometimes. So, that’s when we started praying together that if adoption was the route that Christ wanted us to go, and then we wanted Him to lead us 100% and that we were in total submission.
Chosen Child Adoption Agency was one of the agencies that I found in my research. We really felt lead to this agency for so many reasons; it’s a Christian agency (only placing w/Christian families), it’s local, it’s small – so they know you and your not a number, there is a lot of counseling for the birthparents and adoptive families both before and after placement, etc. So, after going for an orientation in 2011, we submitted our paperwork and were approved on November 3,2011 – one day before our 8 year wedding anniversary!!
Now what you ask….we “wait” to be selected by a birthmom. You’d think I’d be freaking out, since patience is not one of my gifts! LOL But honestly, Fred and I are both so at peace with everything. We know there will be things that come up that we have to deal with, but we know that God’s love and His hands are woven not only through “our journey” up to this point, but also with what’s ahead. We’ve had confirmation after confirmation that this is the right thing. It’s just been a journey to get here, but really, looking back I wouldn’t change anything.
So, in the meantime when you think about us, please pray for us, our birthmom, and Baby “E”. Please pray that God will keep them safe, that our birthmom has a good support system, that she’s staying healthy, that she feels love, for wisdom as she makes some very hard decisions, and of course if she doesn’t know Christ as her Savior that she will become a believer. For us, patience…..and wisdom.
Fred and I have grown so much over the last eight years, both as a couple and individually. God has ALWAYS put the right people in our lives at just the right time, some of those people for just a moment and some of you have been in our lives for years and years. We couldn’t be more proud and excited to share this new and very exciting journey with you.
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