by Ken Swarner
I was over at my sister’s house the other day for one of my
nephew’s birthdays and just before the candles were lit, a familiar smell wafted
through the room. My sister’s youngest
had left a gift, and not the kind anyone wanted to unwrap. Both my sister and her husband looked
exhaustedly at each other.
“I change the last one,” my brother-in-law stated. “In your dreams,” my sister retorted.
The conversation went back and forth like that for a couple
minutes…my neck started to hurt trying to follow it. The room also got riper. I think my mom finally changed my nephew.
I can clearly remember similar high stake negotiations and games taking place in my own home when my wife and I had babies and toddlers running around sharing similar presents. Woman may be from Venus, and men from Mars, but neither space invader wants to change a dirty diaper.
Of course, these diaper derbies weren’t always cut and
dry. They took on several forms. There were the standard games…
RETRACING OUR STEPS:
In this type of match, both parents attempt to prove they
changed the last diaper using whatever means of persuasion they can find, to
include flow charts, witnesses, and the detective game, ‘whose hands smell the
most like fresh baby wipes.’
Evidence is always key to the conversation.
Husband: No honey, I clearly remember changing the
last diaper. See, my eyes are still
watery.
IT ALL STACKS UP:
Other times, it isn’t a matter of
who went last, but who is left behind.
In this scenario, one spouse has spent the day away enjoying real adult
conversations, uninterrupted meals, and time to daydream, while the other
parent was stuck home with two in Huggies.
Husband: I’m home dear.
Wife: Hi honey. Did you
have a nice golf game? By the way, you
OWE me 17 diaper changes.Husband: Are you feeding the kids chili?
On some occasions, it’s not about
keeping track of whom changed the last diaper, but rather reverting back to the
old pastime. Ye, who smelt it, must
change it. Or, in other words…
THE ‘ I DIDN’T NOTICE’ GAME:
Wife: Honey, didn’t you notice that the baby
needed changing? I could smell it clear
back in the bedroom.
Husband: I couldn’t smell anything.Wife: Then why are you breathing into the couch cushion?
Or…..
I PULLED A HAMMY:
Husband: (Plugging his nose) Oh mercy – this diaper is going to be a
doozy. Look, the neighbors are all out
on their front lawns trying to figure out what the smell is. I sure am glad I changed the last two today –
you’re up sweetheart.
Wife: (Knocking her own head into the wall) I need to go to the emergency room – I think
I have a concussion. Don’t worry – I’ll
drive myself.
Finally, when all else fails, both spouses can join forces
and tackle the issue together.
THE
Husband: Okay, we’ll be back around 9 p.m.
Wife: There’s food in the fridge and our number on
the counter.Babysitter; Okay, but what’s that smell?
Husband: (under his breath) Honey – run!
I’m glad our meetings of the minds, our high-level
negotiations, our political debates and subterfuge were never covered on CSpan*
